Daddy's letter to Alesia

My Dearest Alesia,

I miss you so much, little one....It’s been 74 days since you left us. I still remember it fresh in my mind, when the doctor’s walked into the room we were in, to tell us they had done all they could but that you had died....



For the first time in daddy’s life, I had been beaten, totally defeated. Never before was I presented with a situation where I could not fix, or work very hard and endlessly to fix,something that had gone severely wrong. For the first time in my life, I was completely lost. But it was only for a moment. Something strange happened soon after mommy and I were brought to the room where your tiny body lay. I felt overcome with love, compassion, and understanding.I had often thought of how I would react if a tragedy such as your loss would ever occur to me.Everything I had envisioned, the rage, the anger, the hate, the need for revenge....I felt none of that. I felt like all i wanted to do at that moment was hold you, hold mommy, cry, and cry and cry, (which I did.....) and to gather everyone we cared about, to surround us all with love, your love!

I felt your love surrounding us, as mommy and I held you, and rocked you and touched every inch of your body, carressed your hair. I felt your love as I sang your favorite song, you knowthe one, “perdikoula”, the one before I put you to sleep every night. I felt your love everywhere in that hospital May 1st. And you know what, Baby? It picked me up.....It picked me up in a waythat I never imagined I would be able to. From that feeling of defeat I had felt when I recieved the terrible news that you had gone, It quickly changed to one of pure love, drive and purpose!

Alesia, you gave us so much strength to simply survive the week that we had ahead of us! We were often confronted with comforting the people, the friends and family who had come to comfort us. And they were amazed!! They thought mommy and I were high on drugs!!

Remember when your “nono” walked with me to our home, to keep an eye on me in case I had a breakdown? Wasn’t it funny that it was me who ended up keeping an eye on him, while he had the breakdown?

And the strength you gave Mommy, to be OK, for her and your soon to be sister....WOW!!!Thank you, little one, you made her a stronger person! And the joy you have brought Marouli these past months, the way you make her laugh and dance and play, when we are in situations where we worry about how she is going to react, like when we brought her to see your “pink box” and the funeral home, and the flowers there were so brilliant and looked amazing and smelled wonderful...., and Maro just loved being there.....and it gave us a sense of relief, and calmness. We were happy she got to say good bye to you.

And remember all the people that came to pay their respects and say bye....WOW!!! So many...you brought people to us, that we had not seen in some cases, for 25 years!!! You brought estranged family back to us, who we had missed for so many years!! You brought new people to us, who we had never met before, but wanted to share in our sadness and offer their support. You created an environment where everybody felt love, wanted to give love and accept it as well...from anyone!! It was not what I thought it was going to be.

Alesia, little one, my lovely girl, I loved every minute of the 774 days you spent with us. Youtought us the true meaning of love, pure love, because you gave it, freely, Your hugs were all encompassing, and your tiny little arms felt like they were hugging my entire body! Your laughter was infectious, your expressions priceless, and the face, that’s what we call it, the face, the one you gave to those you were not sure of, we will never forget!! Your, “I love you”, I realize now,was your favorite expression, because you meant it, even though you were so young...you knew what those three words meant and what they signified, and how powerful they were!!

I remember everything about you, your first real steps, and how we were excited about them!One....two...three.....four, five sixseveneight.....into mommy’s arms!!! You were a great daughter, an amazing loving sister, and a loving little person to everyone....even the animals!! They miss you like crazy.... Mikey misses you.....as does Mia,she is always going to your room, looking for you....I am sure she feels your presence...I know I do....especially these past couple of weeks...I feel you....I feel as though I can reach my hand out and touch you....Like you're so near....I try every day! ;-)

I know you are always around, I know you are watching over us, and making sure we are well. I know your sisters will always be OK, because you love them so.......remember how you would rub Almond oil on mommy’s belly, and how you would kiss katerina? You were incredible. Watch out for your baby sister. She is coming tomorrow, make sure everything goes great and go to her, she would love to have you around. She will see and hear you. Her mind is open now, to everything, not corrupted by age and conditioning like most of us...go to her...tell her who you are...love her like you did us....guide her! And Maro of course!!!! Maro especially!!....She misses you, and talks about you so much....She tells me how much she loved you....and is excited that you are now an Angel! take care of her as well!!

And Mommy.....make sure you keep giving her the strength to get over her sadness....to make sure that Katerina will get all the love and caring and affection and fun that you did, and for all the rest of your brothers or sisters that may be coming!! ;-)

Thank you Alesia, Thank you thank you thank you, a million times thank you!You gave me more than I could ever ask for, love, compassion, caring, laughter....You were pure joy! Thank you for choosing me to be your daddy. Thank you for your hugs, thank you for the greatest memories a man can ever ask for! You have taken all my fear away....You have given me freedom to take on the world and make it a better place....a more loving place. I know that when My time comes, I will not be afraid to let go of this world....I know you will be right there waiting for me....on a staircase, holding a doodoo ( blanket) to cover me up and keep me warm...and i cannot wait for that hug!!!I miss you!I love you!

I will always and forever remember you, every day, every hour.....always.....And I will remember our last car ride, where I turned my head to you in the back seat, and stuck out my tongue...and you smiled...and leaned forward...and stuck it out right back at me.....and we laughed.....and of course countless of other moments!!

Your sister is coming tomorrow!
I am off to shave, because I want to smother your new sister with kisses. I need to be soft. I know, I know, you never minded about my beard....;-) But she’s new! She might!! And I have many kisses to give her from you!!

See you when I see you!

Love always

Daddy

Confusion

Starting this week it seems as though I am just so confused and full of mixed emotions! Yesterday we finally prepared a corner in Katerinas room that we reserved for Alesia, that was not so bad. Then as I was looking for something I found Alesia 1st picture with Santa, I broke down. After that Bill had washed the last week of laundry she had, after over two months, and I knew how hard that was for him so I decided to fold them. I was glad I was alone because I was screaming crying! Now I just don't know what to do with that laundry I have left it folded in a basket, I want to just put it away for her to wear so badly. As if that was not enough I found my old weight watchers books and in my 1st tracker the fourth day writes, " In the hospital, Alesia seizure". We had spent a night there just to monitor her and she was fine, just a Febrile seizure. Yesterday after all that I felt like my heart was taken out and completely pressed through a food processor and put back into my body.

Why am I so confused, is because in two days if there is a God, my baby Katerina will be born healthy and be in my arms, but two months ago my baby Alesia who was known to be healthy left me. I keep asking how could I be so happy and sad at the same time! There is nothing fair in the idea that I will be having 2 children when that's what my life was for the last two years, there's nothing fair in the fact that Katerina will not come home to two sisters and there will never be anything fair in knowing that our family will never be complete and that we will always have a missing link.


Honestly I really can't wait to hold and be with Katerina, for myself but also for Maro who kisses my tummy and talks to it constantly. She asks sometimes if Katerina is going to the sky too and we have to reassure her that she will be here with us and nowhere else ( reassuring her is almost like we are doing the same for us). She said once that Katerina was coming because Alesia left, we tried to explain that she is not going to be a replacement and that she was there before Alesia left. How much her soon to be four year old brain understands is astonishing.

I have less then 48 hours for my c-section and everything is ready, although I keep finding more things to prepare because I am so anxious. The next post I write might take a while but my husband Bill wants to do a guest blog post so there will be one in between.

Thank you to all of you who keep sending messages, they mean a lot. Thank you to those of you who can't wait for another post, it really helps to know someone is listening. I will hopefully post pictures of our new addition soon!

Alesia and Maro

It is one thing to have lost our precious daughter but the daughter we have left has lost her sister. If you have a sister you know there worth. My daughters had 20 months apart and they were inseparable. I loved watching every moment of their play, and bonding. Now Maro plays by herself, she has tea parties and all sorts of new games but my heart aches every time I watch her. Most siblings at these ages (almost 4 and 2) will fight and play, my daughters only argued to play with each other. They wrestled in bed like boys, they played dolls and house like the girls they are. Maro called Alesia her toutoush ( I have no idea where she got that from). The first word that came out of Alesias mouth every morning was MARO.

Maro understands as much as she can about what has happened but sometimes she mixes things up like saying, " Mommy now her bo bo is gone and shes going to come back". Then she says she sees her every time she sees a bird or butterfly. We are trying to make her understand that she is an angel very high in the sky, that we can't see and that her spirit is with us, but it will take some time for her to understand this concept. We have to tell her all the time that shes not coming back and in some ways we are reminding ourselves of this sad reality at the same time.

I asked Maro yesterday who her best friend was and I was expecting her to say one of her friends from daycare (after her daddy ofcourse) but instead she had to stop herself from saying Alesia. How can you not be sad after that! Maro has lost her sister and best friend and on top of that can only understand a small part of what has really happened.




Maro and us as a family are really happy Katerina will be here soon but as my previous post states she is another individual child, she is not the one we lost. This does not mean she will not give us the joy all our children give but for Maro it will be a while until she can really play with her. I have been preparing Maro in telling her that the baby only eats, sleeps and has many diapers to change. I've let her in on how she will help me with her in every step but she still thinks she can just hold her and play for now.

Honestly I do not worry too much about Maro because she talks about all that has happened in a healthy way and yes at times she displays anger and frustration she did not have before but I can't blame her for that. At one point when she met new people she would say, " My name is Maro and my sisters dead". Now she has stopped that and she talks more about baby Katerina. Children are much more resilient then we think.


We will never stop talking about Alesia to our daughters as they grow up and that is the main reason I am writing this blog, because she was here and she was a great sister to both her sisters. She has and will continue to give so much to them that they will one day understand like we will.

As for Katerina I will never forget one day I was sitting on the rocking chair in the nursery with Alesia and she put my shirt up and she kept laughing and tickiling my tummy at the same time. At that moment the sibling bond had already formed and we sat there for a good ten minutes, just laughing, and Katerina just kicked and moved all over the place. Every night Alesia would rub oil on my tummy with a huge smile. Every time she saw a baby she would get so happy and I would say, " Soon baby Katerina will be here for you". I wish with everything inside of me that this would be the case but its not and I hope she is surrounded with babies where she is and is going to watch over her sisters every day and protect them from this cruel world.

Thankful

I cannot begin to express how much I miss my baby girl. There are days I prepare her sisters nursery in her room and I feel so happy to have this new baby, and at the same time it is just so bittersweet. One love gone and one to come. Katerina is moving like crazy all the time and being a good girl, which gives me strength each day, as she will when she arrives. My heart is filled by my oldest and soon my youngest but my heart aches everyday for what I have lost and will never get back.


If you are pregnant and reading this be joyful that you have a full heart to give your newborn. If this is a second or more child be happy your family is growing and all the siblings have each other. If you are not yet a parent, hopefully one day you will be and I promise you it will be the best thing in your life forever, be grateful, be thankful and cherish every minute.



As I get closer to my c-section I get happier to know I will have my new daughter to keep me busy especially when my oldest goes to daycare. At the same time I wonder all the time how all of a sudden I went down to having two children instead of three. I had mentally started preparing myself to what life was going to be like, hectic and incredible, now its what I have known for the last 2 years except with another individual child.





I wish so much this never happened and my Alesia would be running to say, “I love you mama”, and to give me a kiss right now but this is what it is. Yes sometimes I am bitter and I look at people who have there two year olds and I just want to curl up and die inside, but then I am just so happy they are here where they belong. A child should never be separated from its loving parents, because as strong as we can be for our families especially our children, this is so unbearable sometimes.

To end this post I wanted to include a part of what I wrote 2 days after I lost Alesia, to sum things up if I was ever given the choice not to have her and to never have to go through this pain, I would never say yes. I am so thankful for all she gave and all she will continue to give this World. I have to like you are as a parent continue to be unselfish and let my daughter slowly make a difference in all of your lives and ours!

I’M THANKFUL FOR ALL THE TIMES YOU SLEPT IN MY ARMS AND HELD ME OH SO TIGHT
I’M THANKFUL FOR EVERY “ I LOVE YOU” WE SHARED
I’M THANKFUL FOR ALL THE LAUGHS YOU GAVE
I’M THANKFUL FOR SO FEW TEARS AND PAIN YOU HAD AND THE INNOCENCE YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE.
I ALWAYS SAID I WANTED YOU TO STAY SMALL, MY BABY, AND NOW YOU WILL FOREVER BE MY BABY.
THERE REALLY ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW WRONG ALL OF THIS IS BUT THERE IS A REASON AND WE WILL FIND IT IF IT’S THE LAST THING WE DO!

Patience Is A Virtue

Some people are born and die living life impatiently, my two year old daughter exhibited more patience than most adults. She waited until her c-section date came there really was no rush, okay maybe she did have an urgency to eat in the operating room, but from then on she waited patiently for me to feed her.

I have to admit she wanted to get somewhere because at 6 weeks old I had put her on the floor and she turned over. When she was 3 months old she would crawl and wiggle her way out of her car seat and start moving like a snake on the floor. When she was 6 months old she started sitting and crawling, that was when we realized this child did not want to be a burden on anyone she had her own mind and will to get things done herself. Soon she was standing so we thought she's going to walk by like 10 months but boy did she take her time walking, she was exactly 13 months old and off she went. I think she took her time to walk because she wanted to savor every minute of being held as she could and I am so thankful for that. What's is this rush we have with life and our children, where are we trying to go or get them to go? They are so perfect the way they are it is not up to us to brag about when they walk, talk, etc, each child is their own individual can we just allow them to shine on their own please!


Alesia could stay in her high chair and eat all day with not one complaint. She was a foodie that is certain. She was the first to eat her food at daycare and at times her teacher needed to take her food away before she put it all in her mouth at once. There was never a need to push her to eat or ask her to because she made it very clear when and what she wanted to eat. What or who it was given by rarely mattered as long as it was given with a smile. Most weekends she would finish her breakfast and while her impatient sister left her plate of food she would run and finish her sisters breakfast too!

At 2 years old Alesia had the patience to play with the same toys for hours (dolls) when most two year olds have an attention span of 5-10 minutes. Every morning when my husband would wake up to go the bathroom Alesia would follow and wait outside the door on our stairs quietly sometimes for 15 minutes or more until he came out and she would greet him, "good morning daddy".


Alesia was not even two years old and she had started potty training, she had the patience to sit and wait on the toilet or potty. She would say kaka or pee pee, and she loved it! I could leave her with no diaper for a half day at times and when she had to go and a little would slip she would go crazy running to the toilet and holding it in until she got there all the while saying, " Mama pee pee, pee pee". Aah my baby we were so close to getting rid of those diapers and I was so happy, now I wish I had a diaper to change.

At such a young age Alesia could teach all of us to be more patient and that somethings are worth waiting for. We don't need to rush because all of this will end one day and no one knows if its tomorrow or many years from now. If there is one thing I know now is that my family is all that matters and every second I have I want to spend and live for them, please enjoy what you have and be patient!

Coping Through This Tragedy

On Saturday June 5Th 2010 we had Alesia's 40 day memorial, which included going to church and our community center for cookies, bread , cheese and koliva from the Greeks and helva from the Armenian's. It was a gathering for everyone who wanted to remember Alesia. It seems as though each time we gather like this whether it was for the funeral home, funeral, or the 40 days, it just seems unreal to me. Can it be that its for my little baby, yet each time the answer is yes, my baby is gone and I must continue living, yet something about that just is not right.

As time passes reality hits harder and harder and I feel like my entire life has been shattered to pieces. How something so small can give so much life is still beyond me. I miss everything about my baby, her smell, her hugs and kisses, her laughter, but my heart breaks the most when I have to watch her sister play all by herself. They were the perfect sisters hugging and kissing and playing with each other all the time, they rarely fought. I thought I was the luckiest mom.




Each day I prepare more and more for our new daughters arrival and I anticipate this birth so much for our entire family. She will be a new start and a new life that will give me more meaning right now. I keep myself busy these days with the preparation of her nursery. I began painting the letters of her name for her bedroom today. I felt really happy as I was painting it was almost like I forgot what had happened. I guess I've also begun nesting because I organized so many things in this house today. I even prepared my hospital bag, my daughters bag for grandma, and our new additions bag. I am so thankful I have Katerina Zoe to look forward to but it does not make the loss any easier, this is a new life not a replacement for my angel.

I am emotionally, and physically completely drained, I just wonder when this will get a little easier. A loss like this is the hardest thing a person has to ever suffer from, because it never truly heals, I will always have a hole in my heart that will never heal. I laugh, I enjoy my family but there is and will always be someone missing. I am supposed to bring Katerina home to both her sisters and instead I only have pictures and memories of one to pass on to her.

If you are a parent reading this please enjoy your children even more than usual, give them extra hugs and kisses, and never take for granted the noise in your home because its the sound of life and love, a sound I miss everyday.



AS A FINAL NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT SINCE OUR DAUGHTERS DEATH WE HAVE SET UP AN ALESIA STAVROULA KARIDOGIANNIS FUND AT THE MONTREAL CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL. THANKS TO MANY PEOPLES GENEROSITY WE CONTINUE TO RECEIVE CARDS FROM DONORS WHICH WE REALLY APPRECIATE. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND PLEASE CONTINUE YOUR DONATIONS! WE DON'T WANT ANYONE TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH SUCH A TRAGEDY AND LOSS!

Alesia's Birth

For a long time I thought about what I would write for my first memory post about Alesia, and I just thought it was fitting to talk about my angels birth. I had a terrible delivery for my first daughter so with Alesia I was scheduled for a c-section on March 14, 2008. As I got bigger and the day got closer my doctor said they only do c-sections a week in advance now, and that the date would be changed to March 18, 2008. Why I am mentioning the importance of this date is because my dear grandmother, that I was close to like a mother had passed away years ago on that exact day and now that day was our special, happy day. We were so happy on this day, it was my first c-section and surgery in my life, and I walked into the operating room laughing. As they placed my spinal I was joking around with the nurses, I truly was in bliss.

Our angel came out crying and sucking, as the nurse cleaned her she was saying how she was hungry because you could just see her mouth moving like a fish's mouth. Nevertheless she did not stop eating from that day forward. They placed her on my breasts and she was only minutes old. The entire operating room was in awe at her beauty and the love that had entered this world on that day.


Alesia was born 7lb 8oz as a perfectly round ball, as a newborn at the hospital she had lines in her thighs because they were so full, her head was so round people would tell me she had the most perfect head they'd ever seen. The day after her birth the nurse that had cleaned her came to visit us in the postpartum unit because she said, " I was looking around for this little girl, because she is just so perfect I had to come see her again and hold her." That was just the beginning of how Alesia showed her love through her affection. I maybe her mother but there are way too many people that have told me that holding my baby was just different, that she just had a light soul, and way too much love and joy to share.

Wherever you are now my angel we miss you greatly, there really are no words to describe how much but we are so very thankful you chose to be ours even for that short time. Our lives were truly blessed by your presence, until one day when we meet again, a million times thank you!!!!