What Helps us Cope

Loosing a child is nothing like you can ever imagine. You grieve for your grandparents, eventually your own parents and as hard as that may be, the loss of a child is far greater. I miss my baby all the time, but as a mother I feel like there is something I have to do for her even though she is not here. This for me is Alesia's Magnolias, our annual fundraiser for The Montreal Children's Hospital.

There are the days when I wake up and wonder what in the world was I thinking having a fundraiser? And so close to the time she died and how emotional we still are. Is this something I needed as an extra burden. Well first of all we are way to into it for me to back down now, and second I know things will work out at the end of it, and my baby will watch over us and be proud. I am a strong woman but I feel like my strength gets tested constantly and I can only handle so much.

At times like now my body is so weak, I am trying to balance everything at the same time like most of you have to on a daily basis. Problem with this is that I am still grieving and because of that everything else is so much harder. Yesterday the detective that took care of Alesia's case came by and dropped off all the things they had taken the day she died, like her bedding and PJ's. I held her Pyjamas in my arms and cried for a good hour. I had gotten them a size larger hoping it would last longer cause I thought they were so cute. Then Maro came home and decided to wear them, yes they were tight and short but she did not remember they were Alesias so she thought I bought her new pyjamas. My heart broke because she did not remember. I know there will be a lot she will forget about her sister but it still just kills me.


On a brighter note there are many great things I hope you would want to know about our fundraiser. Our sponsors like CKameleon, Evolution cleaners, Chateau Royal,Les Aliments Roma, Houlabaloo, George Alvanos events, McDonald's, Rogers Planete Mobile, and many others are the reason our event will take place.

May 15Th, 2011 will be a day filled with performances from La Troupe Folklorique Grecque Syrtaki. We are very pleased to announce that we will have a musical performance from Annakin Slayd. There will be magicians, clowns and puppeteers entertaining the children all day long.

We will have inflatables for our youngsters and the older children. Thanks to our many volunteers we will have eyes everywhere making sure all the children are safe.

There will be various stations for the children to choose from like face painting, cupcake decorating, arts and crafts, jewelery making, mad science, planting, and yoga.

With your entrance ticket that only costs $10 you will get all the performances, food and a gift bag when you leave. You are welcome to purchase tickets on our website www.alesiasmagnolias.com or at the door. Our website accepts paypal and you can make a donation there as well if you cannot attend the day of the event or simply just to help us make this event the best it can be.

We will also have raffle tickets for sale where you will have a chance to win gift certificates to restaurants like Buona Notte, Marathons and much more. We will have beautiful jewelery pieces, gift baskets full of electronics, art work, and sculptures. For the man in your life we also have a signed Carry Price Jersey! Thank you for the donations!

Our booths like the face painting, mad science etc will be paid by Alesia Dollars. The day of the event you can purchase these dollars, which will be like monopoly money. Each dollar cost a dollar. Some stations will cost 1 Alesia dollar and some 2. We will also be selling desert items like cupcakes and popcorn.

If you would like further information on our event or you would like to sponsor please visit our website www.alesiasmagnolias.com

Thank you for all the support thus far, please continue your generosity!

Time Heals All Wounds? NOT!

I cannot express how many times, people have told me that in time everything will be better. My daughter DIED, she is not sick, not hurt, not HERE! Nothing in this World not another child, not time, not being closed minded and not, not speaking about what happened will change what has happened or make things better.

It has been since Christmas since I wrote a blog post and since then it has been a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. I take the ups because they are so precious and I accept the downs because they are so needed. I have diagnosed myself as 80% of the time great, my spirits are up, and I am running life with a positive attitude trying to be the best person I can be. Then there's the other 20% of the time when I down life like no tomorrow. Life basically cannot get worst at those points. I am in anguish that I have to live without my baby, and that MY life had to be this way. I become a negative, bitter, cynical, and overall not pleasant person. The pain just takes over me completely. I guess in some ways time has made me less and less in that 20% state, however I do not think that till the day I die, I will ever stop having those bad times. I will miss what my family would have been, what I would have had, what my daughters are missing, but most of all I will just miss her.


Katerina is growing and developing her own personality it is just a joy to watch her blossom. Maro and her make everyday a little easier. I wake up each morning and I smile because my daughters have woken up, but at the same time I think of the one that will never wake up. My daughters are finally starting to play with each other which makes things a bit easier, seeing Maro have a partner again.


I find myself completely upset with the person I have become sometimes. I wish so much that what has happened could have changed me only in a good way but unfortunately it has changed me in the wrong way at times too. Things I would be happy about for others I find myself jealous at times. Then there's the fact that I could just about snap at anything that walks. Oh and forgetting things is like the plague for me these days. I guess you can say there are things I need to work on. My husband luckily in most cases is completely the opposite of me, he does not have a jealous bone inside of him, and he is always happy for others fortunes. I need to take a lesson from him sometimes.

On a positive note I am completely taken over by our fundraiser Alesia's Magnolias which has just become almost like a full time job. I love the reasons behind why I am doing this event but at times I wonder why I am putting myself into all this stress. Its not like I do not have my family to take care of right? At the end of the day I need to know that we will make a difference.

We recently found out that an incredible couple we have met, their daughter passed away from the same condition (EFE) as Alesia. This was a bit of a shocker considering we were told it was a very rare condition. Life makes you wonder. It gives us another thing to be completely on the fence about. If we really get into what is going on, what happens if we find out things that make it harder on us. At the same time we do not open this can of worms and we might just have more and more of the same case arise and 1 was already way too much, now there are 2 that we know of. At the same time EFE was told to us by our Cardiologist at the VIC that it is pretty much terminal and that if we had found it, the result would have been the same.

I'll end this post with one of the things I miss so much about Alesia. When she held us, or wanted to be held it was for US, not her, she was affectionate because she needed to give us her love not because she needed us, she knew we needed HER! Now I just go on knowing I will never have that again..........

Holidays

They say when life gives you lemons make lemonade, I say life gave us crap and we are desperately working hard to make flowers. You can say as the holidays come near this year it seems our sorrow grows with them. Every get together is a reminder of what we have lost and keep missing.

Last Christmas we bought almost matching PJ's for all of us and our daughters slept with us in our bed Christmas eve. They were so happy to sleep together and although I was pregnant and taking up more space then usual, I had a blast too. Just waking up to the happiness in their eyes and their smiles meant everything. So we decided to repeat the experience New Years Eve. My Birthday Bills family came for a roast beef feast and I taped the video on you tube of my girls dancing together.
A year later I have another sweet little girl but the void in my life is so strong I sometimes feel empty. I miss my Alesia so much that my favorite season of all, means nothing. I hate every event, even though I put a smile on my face, I cry when I am home, sometimes its my only way to fall asleep.

I am so glad I have my two little amazing daughters that keep me strong, because without them I do not know how I would be. Katerina is growing all the time doing new things like turning everywhere, has two teeth, and she babbles all the time. Maro had her daycare and Greek dancing shows and did a great job, shes a little diva who has really begun to pose for the camera in some crazy scary poses ( did not get that from me).
I wrote this blog today not to remind people about our grief but because I hope this makes everyone keep their children and families closer then ever this year. Give your little ones everything you can. Do not stress the holidays, embrace them for the time you get to spend with the ones you love.

Alesia's Magnolias

Yesterday was Cupcake Camp Montreal 2010, it went extremely well. They raised over $30000. On the weekend my nieces and Maro baked and decorated Oreo cupcakes. We also made 200 cupcakes in total for the event as well as sponsoring. There were thousands of people and we had a great time. Now its time to kick things in gear for Alesias Magnolias our fundraising event May 15, 2011 in honor of Alesia.

As time progresses more people want information on what this event will be about and how they can help and I am hoping to answer most of your questions today. Alesias Magnolias will be an indoor kids fair to raise money for the Montreal Children's Hospital, Cardiology department. This event will be held annually in hopes of one day raising enough money to have a floor at the hospital named after Alesia. Our daughter was our life and because she died we want to have something positive come out of this tragedy. We are forced to live without her and is it pains us each day we have to continue for our other children. By having this fundraiser we are giving to a great cause that we hope will save other children's lives so that no other parent has to go through our pain and no other sibling has to ask for their sibling everyday. At the same time it gives us a day once a year where we can cherish Alesias life and everything she gave us. Because she is not here does not mean she was not here at all, she will never be forgotten.

Alesias Magnolias will have various shows throughout the day like a fashion show. There will also be many different stations for the children to play like an arts and crafts corner, face painting, yoga, cupcake decorating, planting, video game corner, inflatables, etc. There will be food and drinks, snacks like popcorn. We will have a raffle and silent auction. We hope to have thousands of people attending. For a small donation there will be a big reward. Also each guest will have a goodie bag of free things to bring home.

As for what we need, we truly appreciate all the help that you can offer. This event will not be possible without, sponsors, and volunteers. We need volunteers the day of the event to keep eyes on all the precious children and the stations so that everything runs as smooth as possible. We also need volunteers before the event to help us find sponsors and delegate stations. The volunteers for before the event are essential, they are the ones that can help take charge of a station of their chose and tell me who we can send sponsorship packages to and how many volunteers we would need for their particular station also they are the ones that can set up the station. We will have meetings to discuss progress and I will always be there to help.

As for sponsors we need food, drinks, each station sponsored like face paints, inflatables, PlayStation's etc. Any monetary donation is welcome, the hospital will give tax receipts. Also we need companies to sponsor the fashion show. We will have a separate raffle for kids items and one for adults. We need raffle items.

If you or anyone you know can help us please message me. My e-mail is sheydasenoglu@hotmail.com, just write Alesias Magnolias as subject.

On behalf of myself and my family thank you to all of you who have supported us and continue to want to help, our strength comes from you. Lets make Alesias Magnolias as great as my little angel was. I describe her as love and this event will be just that LOVE!

Cupcake Camp 2009

If you were someone who knew Alesia well the one thing you would know is that she loved food! When we heard about Cupcake Camp Montreal we knew we had to go just so we could give money to a charity and get Alesia cupcakes. I remember looking at all the cupcakes and thinking which one would my baby like. I got 2 boxes full and came home and she just shined the second he saw them. She ran to her high chair, sat down and devoured two cupcakes. I was so happy just watching her enjoy every bite. It really did not take much to make her happy, thus making us happy. Oh how life has changed. One thing is certain, cupcake camp is back this year and we did not just want to buy cupcakes, we wanted to sponsor because there is little more important then charities to us these days.

Evolution will have our own table and we will be making 200 cupcakes. We are sponsoring the event by providing cupcake carry bags with our logo and all the necessary printing for the event. We are very excited and so happy to work with the amazing cupcake camp team.


Cupcake Camp 2010 will be this Sunday 21st November from 1:00-5:00 at the Fairmont Queen Elizabeth, Downtown. They are raising money for the Kids Help Phone, and Tablees Des Chef. Please bring your children there will be all kinds of fun activities for them. Our family will be there and Maro will be entering the kids contests with her cousins. Just in case this is not enough to convince everyone to participate, the contest judges are Chuck Hughes, Nadia G, Ricardo from the Food Network and many other interesting chefs. For more information you can link to their website http://cupcakecampmtl.org/2010/. Thank You for wanting to help and we look forward to seeing you.

Strength

It has been a long while since I wrote a blog post. No its not because I have been too upset or too busy, I have just realized i hopefully have a lifetime to write about Alesia. I just do not want to end up at a point where this becomes unimportant, I want it to stay with me as long as it can.

Our family has gone through so much already, it will almost be 6 months since our precious little girl last took her breath. Does it feel like that long, sometimes, considering Katerina is 3 months today. Then there are the days when it feels like it was just yesterday that I held her, smelled her, kissed her. Everyday is a reminder of how incredible this child was and how much she will be missed.

Since my last post we have received official autopsy results, showing the cause of death being due to an extremely rare heart condition called Endocardial Fibroelastosis. It attacked her heart suddenly because she had no symptoms and she died peacefully in her sleep. Our daughters have had tests already which have shown that they are fine. Combined with genetic testing which we will do soon, it will show that this was not genetic. They do not know the exact cause of this condition except that she may have gotten from a previous bout of Bronchiolitis, which was about a year ago.

Do these results make us feel better? I don't think anything will. What makes me feel better was that there was nothing anyone could have done or anything that we had done that caused this. Its just the luck of the draw. I hate it everyday! However I am so glad my other two girls will be fine because at this point that is all we have left, and they are the reasons for our strength.

Speaking about strength, we have ( when I say we it usually refers to my husband and I) gathered the strength and will to fund raise as much as possible for The Montreal Children's Hospital. I heard of a girl named Sara Cook she was 8 when she got cancer , she is now 17 I think, and she has the cancer again, her and her family have been raising money for the Oncology ward since she was diagnosed. Now they call that floor, sara's floor. I have a goal and that is to have the cardiology floor to be called Alesia's floor. My baby is gone but because of her we will save lives, she will do more then any two year old can, because she had a heart that big, that sincere. ( side not never wear make up before writing a blog post). On May 15, 2011, we will have an indoor fair, called Alesia's Magnolias, this day we will celebrate our daughters life by watching other children laugh, sing, dance, play. We will celebrate by saving others. If you or anyone you know would like to sponsor, or volunteer, that would be something we would greatly appreciate.

For now all I can say is picking out my daughters headstone was something I never thought would happen to me, and I do not want this to happen to anyone. Until something like this happens you do not realize how common it is, and it just makes the fundraising even more vital.

Happiness Through Alesias Eyes

This was what rest before bedtime looked like in our home

Today no different then any other day, I longed for Alesias laughter, just to hear and see it. I knew it was time to write a blog about all the things that made Alesia happy and caused her to laugh or smile.

That Infectious Smile

I truly believe from the day she was born her older sister was the main reason Alesia laughed everyday. Just hearing her voice would make her happy, there is no bond like the one two sisters share. I would pick up my oldest at daycare first and she would always run to Alesias class and Alesia would first scream, "Maro" with a big smile and then she would see me and she would always say, "Mama there". The way my daughters played and danced everyday, made them both the happiest children.

Maro and Alesia loving Each other

One thing Alesia loved was to be held she was truly the most affectionate child I have yet to meet although her youngest sister is coming close. Alesia was happy as long as she was held. We often wondered how she just never let us let go of her. Even as she got older when she would take naps and I would have a chance to take a nap with her when she woke up she could sleep another hour as long as she was in my arms. The first thing she did when anyone would pick her up was to put her head on their shoulders. People would tell me that she gave them a feeling of peace.
Any food she saw would make her smile! She could eat a huge banana by herself. A month before she died it was Easter and she ate a plate of meat and rice then some beans and a stuffed artichoke and bread of course. My entire family was shocked that this little thing could eat so much but she always did and was always smiling during the process.

Alesia Eating Away

Alesia loved music and dancing her favorite was to dance with Maro but about two weeks before she passes she had started Greek dancing with daddy. She would pick up the moves so fast it amazed us. She loved Beyonces song, "Single Ladies" and she would sing, oh oh oh oh oh oh," all the time. She loved singing, she had just started singing the alphabet, she loved Barneys song ,"I Love You", and of course ,"Twinkle Twinkle".

Alesia dancing with daddy

Alesia loved going to the potty and toilet. She was 18 months and had started going to the bathroom. She would say potty or toilet, she would say with a raspy voice, "kaka" it was sooo cute. Her favorite book was called, '' The Princess Potty". Each time she finished her business in the bathroom she would laugh and say, " I did it" or "bye bye pee pee or kaka".

Alesia and Maro on the toilet

Alesia loved her bedtime book reading routine, when one book was finished she would say, "again" or "more". We could never stop with one book. Alesia also loved dolls more then any other toy. I could never find dish towels because they were always somewhere in the house covering her dolls, "dou dous" as she called them. She had one doll that she never let go it was bought as a Christmas gift from her godparents and it quickly became her sidekick. Everywhere Alesia went the doll went.

Alesia and her Doll and Dou Dou

I could probably go on and on about the things that made Alesia the smiling child she was but I have one hungry baby and another one that has to go to sleep.

I love you Alesia, I miss you more then anything, you will always be my happy baby.