Saturday, March 12, 2011
I cannot express how many times, people have told me that in time everything will be better. My daughter DIED, she is not sick, not hurt, not HERE! Nothing in this World not another child, not time, not being closed minded and not, not speaking about what happened will change what has happened or make things better.
It has been since Christmas since I wrote a blog post and since then it has been a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. I take the ups because they are so precious and I accept the downs because they are so needed. I have diagnosed myself as 80% of the time great, my spirits are up, and I am running life with a positive attitude trying to be the best person I can be. Then there's the other 20% of the time when I down life like no tomorrow. Life basically cannot get worst at those points. I am in anguish that I have to live without my baby, and that MY life had to be this way. I become a negative, bitter, cynical, and overall not pleasant person. The pain just takes over me completely. I guess in some ways time has made me less and less in that 20% state, however I do not think that till the day I die, I will ever stop having those bad times. I will miss what my family would have been, what I would have had, what my daughters are missing, but most of all I will just miss her.
Katerina is growing and developing her own personality it is just a joy to watch her blossom. Maro and her make everyday a little easier. I wake up each morning and I smile because my daughters have woken up, but at the same time I think of the one that will never wake up. My daughters are finally starting to play with each other which makes things a bit easier, seeing Maro have a partner again.
I find myself completely upset with the person I have become sometimes. I wish so much that what has happened could have changed me only in a good way but unfortunately it has changed me in the wrong way at times too. Things I would be happy about for others I find myself jealous at times. Then there's the fact that I could just about snap at anything that walks. Oh and forgetting things is like the plague for me these days. I guess you can say there are things I need to work on. My husband luckily in most cases is completely the opposite of me, he does not have a jealous bone inside of him, and he is always happy for others fortunes. I need to take a lesson from him sometimes.
On a positive note I am completely taken over by our fundraiser Alesia's Magnolias which has just become almost like a full time job. I love the reasons behind why I am doing this event but at times I wonder why I am putting myself into all this stress. Its not like I do not have my family to take care of right? At the end of the day I need to know that we will make a difference.
We recently found out that an incredible couple we have met, their daughter passed away from the same condition (EFE) as Alesia. This was a bit of a shocker considering we were told it was a very rare condition. Life makes you wonder. It gives us another thing to be completely on the fence about. If we really get into what is going on, what happens if we find out things that make it harder on us. At the same time we do not open this can of worms and we might just have more and more of the same case arise and 1 was already way too much, now there are 2 that we know of. At the same time EFE was told to us by our Cardiologist at the VIC that it is pretty much terminal and that if we had found it, the result would have been the same.
I'll end this post with one of the things I miss so much about Alesia. When she held us, or wanted to be held it was for US, not her, she was affectionate because she needed to give us her love not because she needed us, she knew we needed HER! Now I just go on knowing I will never have that again..........