Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Happiness Through Alesias Eyes

This was what rest before bedtime looked like in our home
Today no different then any other day, I longed for Alesias laughter, just to hear and see it. I knew it was time to write a blog about all the things that made Alesia happy and caused her to laugh or smile.
That Infectious Smile

I truly believe from the day she was born her older sister was the main reason Alesia laughed everyday. Just hearing her voice would make her happy, there is no bond like the one two sisters share. I would pick up my oldest at daycare first and she would always run to Alesias class and Alesia would first scream, "Maro" with a big smile and then she would see me and she would always say, "Mama there". The way my daughters played and danced everyday, made them both the happiest children.

Maro and Alesia loving Each other

One thing Alesia loved was to be held she was truly the most affectionate child I have yet to meet although her youngest sister is coming close. Alesia was happy as long as she was held. We often wondered how she just never let us let go of her. Even as she got older when she would take naps and I would have a chance to take a nap with her when she woke up she could sleep another hour as long as she was in my arms. The first thing she did when anyone would pick her up was to put her head on their shoulders. People would tell me that she gave them a feeling of peace.
Any food she saw would make her smile! She could eat a huge banana by herself. A month before she died it was Easter and she ate a plate of meat and rice then some beans and a stuffed artichoke and bread of course. My entire family was shocked that this little thing could eat so much but she always did and was always smiling during the process.

Alesia Eating Away

Alesia loved music and dancing her favorite was to dance with Maro but about two weeks before she passes she had started Greek dancing with daddy. She would pick up the moves so fast it amazed us. She loved Beyonces song, "Single Ladies" and she would sing, oh oh oh oh oh oh," all the time. She loved singing, she had just started singing the alphabet, she loved Barneys song ,"I Love You", and of course ,"Twinkle Twinkle".

Alesia dancing with daddy

Alesia loved going to the potty and toilet. She was 18 months and had started going to the bathroom. She would say potty or toilet, she would say with a raspy voice, "kaka" it was sooo cute. Her favorite book was called, '' The Princess Potty". Each time she finished her business in the bathroom she would laugh and say, " I did it" or "bye bye pee pee or kaka".

Alesia and Maro on the toilet

Alesia loved her bedtime book reading routine, when one book was finished she would say, "again" or "more". We could never stop with one book. Alesia also loved dolls more then any other toy. I could never find dish towels because they were always somewhere in the house covering her dolls, "dou dous" as she called them. She had one doll that she never let go it was bought as a Christmas gift from her godparents and it quickly became her sidekick. Everywhere Alesia went the doll went.
Alesia and her Doll and Dou Dou

I could probably go on and on about the things that made Alesia the smiling child she was but I have one hungry baby and another one that has to go to sleep.

I love you Alesia, I miss you more then anything, you will always be my happy baby.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Baby Steps

I can give you all many excuses for why I have not written a blog post in so long, like I just had a baby, but none would be honest. I have not written because as wonderful as it is to have my beautiful Katerina here, the fact that Alesia is not here or will never be here has hit harder since I gave birth.
Katerina Zoe
I would like to start with all the wonderful things in my life like my new daughter. She is just amazing, as I type this entry she is in my arms sleeping. She gives me so much joy and warmth like all our children do. She was born perfectly healthy and she looks like both her sisters, half and half. I love having her around and there really is nothing like a newborn. Lack of sleep yes I do have that but she's worth it all. I love breastfeeding which I had missed so much, even changing diapers is great. I've learned to appreciate everything about her.

I also have to say thank you to everyone who passed by at the hospital and at home to see Katerina and gave her such wonderful gifts. We know everyone wants to do something to help, we wish there was away to make it all better.

Our eldest daughters birthday party was yesterday and I was so scared it was going to rain because an hour before the party it had, but I guess our angel was looking out for us and we got no rain until the end right before everyone left. We had a princess come to the party and Maro absolutely loved it. My sleeping beauty princess Maro got everything she wanted.

Maro my Sleeping Beauty Princess

I could honestly say that since Alesia has left and summer has arrived we have done so much and plan to do so much with our daughters because they need to have as much of a normal life as they would have if there sister was here, but with everything great for them, we miss our angel. It is not right that Maro had her birthday without Alesia when some months ago Maro celebrated Alesias birthday with her.

There really is nothing right about a two year old dying! I remember so much about Alesias life now and it just makes me so sad that it was so short. She truly was such a joy that with everything we do we miss her presence. Everyone thinks that we are strong and courageous but what is really the definition of these words? I enjoyed my daughters birthday for her sake yesterday but at the end of the night behind closed doors I cried my eyes out thinking of what Alesia wold have done and how she will not be here for any of it. I am sure she was watching and happy to see her sister happy but I wish so much that we got to see her dressed up as a princess with her sister saying, " Princess Mama" as she would while playing dress up at home. She loved balloons and we had child life sized princess ones which she would have gone crazy over saying, " Balon".
Alesia at her last Birthday with a balloon
I have to remind myself everyday that her sisters deserve everything we could give them and that this will not ruin our family we will make it through this in a positive way. Of course this is all after I've had my morning cry the one where I wake up and realize life without Alesia is a reality not a dream and that I must wake up and live.

As time passes I miss her so much more that I forget about everything else and just become immersed in sorrow. Strange as it is I also understand that as time passes this is going to become more distant and I will learn to live life without crying ten times a day. At the same time Alesia will never be forgotten through this blog, in our memories, and especially in our hearts.

I feel sorry for my children that they do not get to share there life with her or shall I say enjoy her presence and love. At the same time I am always conflicted with the sadness and joy I have in my life. I truly do not believe life will ever be normal again, when your heart breaks like this it can never be mended. I still experience joy and laughter, I love my children and husband with all my heart that's left but the problem is my heart is just not the same. We have to learn to live in a different way to enjoy what we have even though this has happened but really this is such a slow process. Small baby steps, I guess with my new daughter discovering everything about life, we will too. Katerina will learn to walk in the next year, Maro will experience preschool and WE will learn to live our NEW life together.

Our new family