Friday, June 25, 2010

Thankful


I cannot begin to express how much I miss my baby girl. There are days I prepare her sisters nursery in her room and I feel so happy to have this new baby, and at the same time it is just so bittersweet. One love gone and one to come. Katerina is moving like crazy all the time and being a good girl, which gives me strength each day, as she will when she arrives. My heart is filled by my oldest and soon my youngest but my heart aches everyday for what I have lost and will never get back.


If you are pregnant and reading this be joyful that you have a full heart to give your newborn. If this is a second or more child be happy your family is growing and all the siblings have each other. If you are not yet a parent, hopefully one day you will be and I promise you it will be the best thing in your life forever, be grateful, be thankful and cherish every minute.



As I get closer to my c-section I get happier to know I will have my new daughter to keep me busy especially when my oldest goes to daycare. At the same time I wonder all the time how all of a sudden I went down to having two children instead of three. I had mentally started preparing myself to what life was going to be like, hectic and incredible, now its what I have known for the last 2 years except with another individual child.





I wish so much this never happened and my Alesia would be running to say, “I love you mama”, and to give me a kiss right now but this is what it is. Yes sometimes I am bitter and I look at people who have there two year olds and I just want to curl up and die inside, but then I am just so happy they are here where they belong. A child should never be separated from its loving parents, because as strong as we can be for our families especially our children, this is so unbearable sometimes.

To end this post I wanted to include a part of what I wrote 2 days after I lost Alesia, to sum things up if I was ever given the choice not to have her and to never have to go through this pain, I would never say yes. I am so thankful for all she gave and all she will continue to give this World. I have to like you are as a parent continue to be unselfish and let my daughter slowly make a difference in all of your lives and ours!

I’M THANKFUL FOR ALL THE TIMES YOU SLEPT IN MY ARMS AND HELD ME OH SO TIGHT
I’M THANKFUL FOR EVERY “ I LOVE YOU” WE SHARED
I’M THANKFUL FOR ALL THE LAUGHS YOU GAVE
I’M THANKFUL FOR SO FEW TEARS AND PAIN YOU HAD AND THE INNOCENCE YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE.
I ALWAYS SAID I WANTED YOU TO STAY SMALL, MY BABY, AND NOW YOU WILL FOREVER BE MY BABY.
THERE REALLY ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW WRONG ALL OF THIS IS BUT THERE IS A REASON AND WE WILL FIND IT IF IT’S THE LAST THING WE DO!


Monday, June 14, 2010

Patience Is A Virtue


Some people are born and die living life impatiently, my two year old daughter exhibited more patience than most adults. She waited until her c-section date came there really was no rush, okay maybe she did have an urgency to eat in the operating room, but from then on she waited patiently for me to feed her.

I have to admit she wanted to get somewhere because at 6 weeks old I had put her on the floor and she turned over. When she was 3 months old she would crawl and wiggle her way out of her car seat and start moving like a snake on the floor. When she was 6 months old she started sitting and crawling, that was when we realized this child did not want to be a burden on anyone she had her own mind and will to get things done herself. Soon she was standing so we thought she's going to walk by like 10 months but boy did she take her time walking, she was exactly 13 months old and off she went. I think she took her time to walk because she wanted to savor every minute of being held as she could and I am so thankful for that. What's is this rush we have with life and our children, where are we trying to go or get them to go? They are so perfect the way they are it is not up to us to brag about when they walk, talk, etc, each child is their own individual can we just allow them to shine on their own please!


Alesia could stay in her high chair and eat all day with not one complaint. She was a foodie that is certain. She was the first to eat her food at daycare and at times her teacher needed to take her food away before she put it all in her mouth at once. There was never a need to push her to eat or ask her to because she made it very clear when and what she wanted to eat. What or who it was given by rarely mattered as long as it was given with a smile. Most weekends she would finish her breakfast and while her impatient sister left her plate of food she would run and finish her sisters breakfast too!

At 2 years old Alesia had the patience to play with the same toys for hours (dolls) when most two year olds have an attention span of 5-10 minutes. Every morning when my husband would wake up to go the bathroom Alesia would follow and wait outside the door on our stairs quietly sometimes for 15 minutes or more until he came out and she would greet him, "good morning daddy".


Alesia was not even two years old and she had started potty training, she had the patience to sit and wait on the toilet or potty. She would say kaka or pee pee, and she loved it! I could leave her with no diaper for a half day at times and when she had to go and a little would slip she would go crazy running to the toilet and holding it in until she got there all the while saying, " Mama pee pee, pee pee". Aah my baby we were so close to getting rid of those diapers and I was so happy, now I wish I had a diaper to change.

At such a young age Alesia could teach all of us to be more patient and that somethings are worth waiting for. We don't need to rush because all of this will end one day and no one knows if its tomorrow or many years from now. If there is one thing I know now is that my family is all that matters and every second I have I want to spend and live for them, please enjoy what you have and be patient!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Coping Through This Tragedy


On Saturday June 5Th 2010 we had Alesia's 40 day memorial, which included going to church and our community center for cookies, bread , cheese and koliva from the Greeks and helva from the Armenian's. It was a gathering for everyone who wanted to remember Alesia. It seems as though each time we gather like this whether it was for the funeral home, funeral, or the 40 days, it just seems unreal to me. Can it be that its for my little baby, yet each time the answer is yes, my baby is gone and I must continue living, yet something about that just is not right.

As time passes reality hits harder and harder and I feel like my entire life has been shattered to pieces. How something so small can give so much life is still beyond me. I miss everything about my baby, her smell, her hugs and kisses, her laughter, but my heart breaks the most when I have to watch her sister play all by herself. They were the
perfect sisters hugging and kissing and playing with each other all the time, they rarely fought. I thought I was the luckiest mom.




Each day I prepare more and more for our new daughters arrival and I anticipate this birth so much for our entire family. She will be a new start and a new life that will give me more meaning right now. I keep myself busy these days with the preparation of her nursery. I began painting the letters of her name for her bedroom today. I felt really happy as I was painting it was almost like I forgot what had happened. I guess I've also begun nesting because I organized so many things in this house today. I even prepared my hospital bag, my daughters bag for grandma, and our new additions bag. I am so thankful I have Katerina Zoe to look forward to but it does not make the loss any easier, this is a new life not a replacement for my angel.

I am emotionally, and physically completely drained, I just wonder when this will get a little easier. A loss like this is the hardest thing a person has to ever suffer from, because it never truly heals, I will always have a hole in my heart that will never heal. I laugh, I enjoy my family but there is and will always be someone missing. I am supposed to bring Katerina home to both her sisters and instead I only have pictures and memories of one to pass on to her.

If you are a parent reading this please enjoy your children even more than usual, give them extra hugs and kisses, and never take for granted the noise in your home because its the sound of life and love, a sound I miss everyday.



AS A FINAL NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT SINCE OUR DAUGHTERS DEATH WE HAVE SET UP AN ALESIA STAVROULA KARIDOGIANNIS FUND AT THE MONTREAL CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL. THANKS TO MANY PEOPLES GENEROSITY WE CONTINUE TO RECEIVE CARDS FROM DONORS WHICH WE REALLY APPRECIATE. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND PLEASE CONTINUE YOUR DONATIONS! WE DON'T WANT ANYONE TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH SUCH A TRAGEDY AND LOSS!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Alesia's Birth


For a long time I thought about what I would write for my first memory post about Alesia, and I just thought it was fitting to talk about my angels birth. I had a terrible delivery for my first daughter so with Alesia I was scheduled for a c-section on March 14, 2008. As I got bigger and the day got closer my doctor said they only do c-sections a week in advance now, and that the date would be changed to March 18, 2008. Why I am mentioning the importance of this date is because my dear grandmother, that I was close to like a mother had passed away years ago on that exact day and now that day was our special, happy day. We were so happy on this day, it was my first c-section and surgery in my life, and I walked into the operating room laughing. As they placed my spinal I was joking around with the nurses, I truly was in bliss.

Our angel came out crying and sucking, as the nurse cleaned her she was saying how she was hungry because you could just see her mouth moving like a fish's mouth. Nevertheless she did not stop eating from that day forward. They placed her on my breasts and she was only minutes old. The entire operating room was in awe at her beauty and the love that had entered this world on that day.


Alesia was born 7lb 8oz as a perfectly round ball, as a newborn at the hospital she had lines in her thighs because they were so full, her head was so round people would tell me she had the most perfect head they'd ever seen. The day after her birth the nurse that had cleaned her came to visit us in the postpartum unit because she said, " I was looking around for this little girl, because she is just so perfect I had to come see her again and hold her." That was just the beginning of how Alesia showed her love through her affection. I maybe her mother but there are way too many people that have told me that holding my baby was just different, that she just had a light soul, and way too much love and joy to share.

Wherever you are now my angel we miss you greatly, there really are no words to describe how much but we are so very thankful you chose to be ours even for that short time. Our lives were truly blessed by your presence, until one day when we meet again, a million times thank you!!!!
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