Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Daddy's letter to Alesia



My Dearest Alesia,

I miss you so much, little one....It’s been 74 days since you left us. I still remember it fresh in my mind, when the doctor’s walked into the room we were in, to tell us they had done all they could but that you had died....



For the first time in daddy’s life, I had been beaten, totally defeated. Never before was I presented with a situation where I could not fix, or work very hard and endlessly to fix,something that had gone severely wrong. For the first time in my life, I was completely lost. But it was only for a moment. Something strange happened soon after mommy and I were brought to the room where your tiny body lay. I felt overcome with love, compassion, and understanding.I had often thought of how I would react if a tragedy such as your loss would ever occur to me.Everything I had envisioned, the rage, the anger, the hate, the need for revenge....I felt none of that. I felt like all i wanted to do at that moment was hold you, hold mommy, cry, and cry and cry, (which I did.....) and to gather everyone we cared about, to surround us all with love, your love!

I felt your love surrounding us, as mommy and I held you, and rocked you and touched every inch of your body, carressed your hair. I felt your love as I sang your favorite song, you knowthe one, “perdikoula”, the one before I put you to sleep every night. I felt your love everywhere in that hospital May 1st. And you know what, Baby? It picked me up.....It picked me up in a waythat I never imagined I would be able to. From that feeling of defeat I had felt when I recieved the terrible news that you had gone, It quickly changed to one of pure love, drive and purpose!

Alesia, you gave us so much strength to simply survive the week that we had ahead of us! We were often confronted with comforting the people, the friends and family who had come to comfort us. And they were amazed!! They thought mommy and I were high on drugs!!

Remember when your “nono” walked with me to our home, to keep an eye on me in case I had a breakdown? Wasn’t it funny that it was me who ended up keeping an eye on him, while he had the breakdown?

And the strength you gave Mommy, to be OK, for her and your soon to be sister....WOW!!!Thank you, little one, you made her a stronger person! And the joy you have brought Marouli these past months, the way you make her laugh and dance and play, when we are in situations where we worry about how she is going to react, like when we brought her to see your “pink box” and the funeral home, and the flowers there were so brilliant and looked amazing and smelled wonderful...., and Maro just loved being there.....and it gave us a sense of relief, and calmness. We were happy she got to say good bye to you.

And remember all the people that came to pay their respects and say bye....WOW!!! So many...you brought people to us, that we had not seen in some cases, for 25 years!!! You brought estranged family back to us, who we had missed for so many years!! You brought new people to us, who we had never met before, but wanted to share in our sadness and offer their support. You created an environment where everybody felt love, wanted to give love and accept it as well...from anyone!! It was not what I thought it was going to be.

Alesia, little one, my lovely girl, I loved every minute of the 774 days you spent with us. Youtought us the true meaning of love, pure love, because you gave it, freely, Your hugs were all encompassing, and your tiny little arms felt like they were hugging my entire body! Your laughter was infectious, your expressions priceless, and the face, that’s what we call it, the face, the one you gave to those you were not sure of, we will never forget!! Your, “I love you”, I realize now,was your favorite expression, because you meant it, even though you were so young...you knew what those three words meant and what they signified, and how powerful they were!!

I remember everything about you, your first real steps, and how we were excited about them!One....two...three.....four, five sixseveneight.....into mommy’s arms!!! You were a great daughter, an amazing loving sister, and a loving little person to everyone....even the animals!! They miss you like crazy.... Mikey misses you.....as does Mia,she is always going to your room, looking for you....I am sure she feels your presence...I know I do....especially these past couple of weeks...I feel you....I feel as though I can reach my hand out and touch you....Like you're so near....I try every day! ;-)

I know you are always around, I know you are watching over us, and making sure we are well. I know your sisters will always be OK, because you love them so.......remember how you would rub Almond oil on mommy’s belly, and how you would kiss katerina? You were incredible. Watch out for your baby sister. She is coming tomorrow, make sure everything goes great and go to her, she would love to have you around. She will see and hear you. Her mind is open now, to everything, not corrupted by age and conditioning like most of us...go to her...tell her who you are...love her like you did us....guide her! And Maro of course!!!! Maro especially!!....She misses you, and talks about you so much....She tells me how much she loved you....and is excited that you are now an Angel! take care of her as well!!

And Mommy.....make sure you keep giving her the strength to get over her sadness....to make sure that Katerina will get all the love and caring and affection and fun that you did, and for all the rest of your brothers or sisters that may be coming!! ;-)

Thank you Alesia, Thank you thank you thank you, a million times thank you!You gave me more than I could ever ask for, love, compassion, caring, laughter....You were pure joy! Thank you for choosing me to be your daddy. Thank you for your hugs, thank you for the greatest memories a man can ever ask for! You have taken all my fear away....You have given me freedom to take on the world and make it a better place....a more loving place. I know that when My time comes, I will not be afraid to let go of this world....I know you will be right there waiting for me....on a staircase, holding a doodoo ( blanket) to cover me up and keep me warm...and i cannot wait for that hug!!!I miss you!I love you!

I will always and forever remember you, every day, every hour.....always.....And I will remember our last car ride, where I turned my head to you in the back seat, and stuck out my tongue...and you smiled...and leaned forward...and stuck it out right back at me.....and we laughed.....and of course countless of other moments!!

Your sister is coming tomorrow!
I am off to shave, because I want to smother your new sister with kisses. I need to be soft. I know, I know, you never minded about my beard....;-) But she’s new! She might!! And I have many kisses to give her from you!!

See you when I see you!

Love always

Daddy

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Confusion


Starting this week it seems as though I am just so confused and full of mixed emotions! Yesterday we finally prepared a corner in Katerinas room that we reserved for Alesia, that was not so bad. Then as I was looking for something I found Alesia 1st picture with Santa, I broke down. After that Bill had washed the last week of laundry she had, after over two months, and I knew how hard that was for him so I decided to fold them. I was glad I was alone because I was screaming crying! Now I just don't know what to do with that laundry I have left it folded in a basket, I want to just put it away for her to wear so badly. As if that was not enough I found my old weight watchers books and in my 1st tracker the fourth day writes, " In the hospital, Alesia seizure". We had spent a night there just to monitor her and she was fine, just a Febrile seizure. Yesterday after all that I felt like my heart was taken out and completely pressed through a food processor and put back into my body.

Why am I so confused, is because in two days if there is a God, my baby Katerina will be born healthy and be in my arms, but two months ago my baby Alesia who was known to be healthy left me. I keep asking how could I be so happy and sad at the same time! There is nothing fair in the idea that I will be having 2 children when that's what my life was for the last two years, there's nothing fair in the fact that Katerina will not come home to two sisters and there will never be anything fair in knowing that our family will never be complete and that we will always have a missing link.


Honestly I really can't wait to hold and be with Katerina, for myself but also for Maro who kisses my tummy and talks to it constantly. She asks sometimes if Katerina is going to the sky too and we have to reassure her that she will be here with us and nowhere else ( reassuring her is almost like we are doing the same for us). She said once that Katerina was coming because Alesia left, we tried to explain that she is not going to be a replacement and that she was there before Alesia left. How much her soon to be four year old brain understands is astonishing.

I have less then 48 hours for my c-section and everything is ready, although I keep finding more things to prepare because I am so anxious. The next post I write might take a while but my husband Bill wants to do a guest blog post so there will be one in between.

Thank you to all of you who keep sending messages, they mean a lot. Thank you to those of you who can't wait for another post, it really helps to know someone is listening. I will hopefully post pictures of our new addition soon!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Alesia and Maro

It is one thing to have lost our precious daughter but the daughter we have left has lost her sister. If you have a sister you know there worth. My daughters had 20 months apart and they were inseparable. I loved watching every moment of their play, and bonding. Now Maro plays by herself, she has tea parties and all sorts of new games but my heart aches every time I watch her. Most siblings at these ages (almost 4 and 2) will fight and play, my daughters only argued to play with each other. They wrestled in bed like boys, they played dolls and house like the girls they are. Maro called Alesia her toutoush ( I have no idea where she got that from). The first word that came out of Alesias mouth every morning was MARO.

Maro understands as much as she can about what has happened but sometimes she mixes things up like saying, " Mommy now her bo bo is gone and shes going to come back". Then she says she sees her every time she sees a bird or butterfly. We are trying to make her understand that she is an angel very high in the sky, that we can't see and that her spirit is with us, but it will take some time for her to understand this concept. We have to tell her all the time that shes not coming back and in some ways we are reminding ourselves of this sad reality at the same time.

I asked Maro yesterday who her best friend was and I was expecting her to say one of her friends from daycare (after her daddy ofcourse) but instead she had to stop herself from saying Alesia. How can you not be sad after that! Maro has lost her sister and best friend and on top of that can only understand a small part of what has really happened.


video

Maro and us as a family are really happy Katerina will be here soon but as my previous post states she is another individual child, she is not the one we lost. This does not mean she will not give us the joy all our children give but for Maro it will be a while until she can really play with her. I have been preparing Maro in telling her that the baby only eats, sleeps and has many diapers to change. I've let her in on how she will help me with her in every step but she still thinks she can just hold her and play for now.

Honestly I do not worry too much about Maro because she talks about all that has happened in a healthy way and yes at times she displays anger and frustration she did not have before but I can't blame her for that. At one point when she met new people she would say, " My name is Maro and my sisters dead". Now she has stopped that and she talks more about baby Katerina. Children are much more resilient then we think.


We will never stop talking about Alesia to our daughters as they grow up and that is the main reason I am writing this blog, because she was here and she was a great sister to both her sisters. She has and will continue to give so much to them that they will one day understand like we will.

As for Katerina I will never forget one day I was sitting on the rocking chair in the nursery with Alesia and she put my shirt up and she kept laughing and tickiling my tummy at the same time. At that moment the sibling bond had already formed and we sat there for a good ten minutes, just laughing, and Katerina just kicked and moved all over the place. Every night Alesia would rub oil on my tummy with a huge smile. Every time she saw a baby she would get so happy and I would say, " Soon baby Katerina will be here for you". I wish with everything inside of me that this would be the case but its not and I hope she is surrounded with babies where she is and is going to watch over her sisters every day and protect them from this cruel world.