Baby Steps

I can give you all many excuses for why I have not written a blog post in so long, like I just had a baby, but none would be honest. I have not written because as wonderful as it is to have my beautiful Katerina here, the fact that Alesia is not here or will never be here has hit harder since I gave birth.

Katerina Zoe

I would like to start with all the wonderful things in my life like my new daughter. She is just amazing, as I type this entry she is in my arms sleeping. She gives me so much joy and warmth like all our children do. She was born perfectly healthy and she looks like both her sisters, half and half. I love having her around and there really is nothing like a newborn. Lack of sleep yes I do have that but she's worth it all. I love breastfeeding which I had missed so much, even changing diapers is great. I've learned to appreciate everything about her.

I also have to say thank you to everyone who passed by at the hospital and at home to see Katerina and gave her such wonderful gifts. We know everyone wants to do something to help, we wish there was away to make it all better.

Our eldest daughters birthday party was yesterday and I was so scared it was going to rain because an hour before the party it had, but I guess our angel was looking out for us and we got no rain until the end right before everyone left. We had a princess come to the party and Maro absolutely loved it. My sleeping beauty princess Maro got everything she wanted.

Maro my Sleeping Beauty Princess

I could honestly say that since Alesia has left and summer has arrived we have done so much and plan to do so much with our daughters because they need to have as much of a normal life as they would have if there sister was here, but with everything great for them, we miss our angel. It is not right that Maro had her birthday without Alesia when some months ago Maro celebrated Alesias birthday with her.

There really is nothing right about a two year old dying! I remember so much about Alesias life now and it just makes me so sad that it was so short. She truly was such a joy that with everything we do we miss her presence. Everyone thinks that we are strong and courageous but what is really the definition of these words? I enjoyed my daughters birthday for her sake yesterday but at the end of the night behind closed doors I cried my eyes out thinking of what Alesia wold have done and how she will not be here for any of it. I am sure she was watching and happy to see her sister happy but I wish so much that we got to see her dressed up as a princess with her sister saying, " Princess Mama" as she would while playing dress up at home. She loved balloons and we had child life sized princess ones which she would have gone crazy over saying, " Balon".

Alesia at her last Birthday with a balloon

I have to remind myself everyday that her sisters deserve everything we could give them and that this will not ruin our family we will make it through this in a positive way. Of course this is all after I've had my morning cry the one where I wake up and realize life without Alesia is a reality not a dream and that I must wake up and live.

As time passes I miss her so much more that I forget about everything else and just become immersed in sorrow. Strange as it is I also understand that as time passes this is going to become more distant and I will learn to live life without crying ten times a day. At the same time Alesia will never be forgotten through this blog, in our memories, and especially in our hearts.

I feel sorry for my children that they do not get to share there life with her or shall I say enjoy her presence and love. At the same time I am always conflicted with the sadness and joy I have in my life. I truly do not believe life will ever be normal again, when your heart breaks like this it can never be mended. I still experience joy and laughter, I love my children and husband with all my heart that's left but the problem is my heart is just not the same. We have to learn to live in a different way to enjoy what we have even though this has happened but really this is such a slow process. Small baby steps, I guess with my new daughter discovering everything about life, we will too. Katerina will learn to walk in the next year, Maro will experience preschool and WE will learn to live our NEW life together.

Our new family