Confusion

Starting this week it seems as though I am just so confused and full of mixed emotions! Yesterday we finally prepared a corner in Katerinas room that we reserved for Alesia, that was not so bad. Then as I was looking for something I found Alesia 1st picture with Santa, I broke down. After that Bill had washed the last week of laundry she had, after over two months, and I knew how hard that was for him so I decided to fold them. I was glad I was alone because I was screaming crying! Now I just don't know what to do with that laundry I have left it folded in a basket, I want to just put it away for her to wear so badly. As if that was not enough I found my old weight watchers books and in my 1st tracker the fourth day writes, " In the hospital, Alesia seizure". We had spent a night there just to monitor her and she was fine, just a Febrile seizure. Yesterday after all that I felt like my heart was taken out and completely pressed through a food processor and put back into my body.

Why am I so confused, is because in two days if there is a God, my baby Katerina will be born healthy and be in my arms, but two months ago my baby Alesia who was known to be healthy left me. I keep asking how could I be so happy and sad at the same time! There is nothing fair in the idea that I will be having 2 children when that's what my life was for the last two years, there's nothing fair in the fact that Katerina will not come home to two sisters and there will never be anything fair in knowing that our family will never be complete and that we will always have a missing link.


Honestly I really can't wait to hold and be with Katerina, for myself but also for Maro who kisses my tummy and talks to it constantly. She asks sometimes if Katerina is going to the sky too and we have to reassure her that she will be here with us and nowhere else ( reassuring her is almost like we are doing the same for us). She said once that Katerina was coming because Alesia left, we tried to explain that she is not going to be a replacement and that she was there before Alesia left. How much her soon to be four year old brain understands is astonishing.

I have less then 48 hours for my c-section and everything is ready, although I keep finding more things to prepare because I am so anxious. The next post I write might take a while but my husband Bill wants to do a guest blog post so there will be one in between.

Thank you to all of you who keep sending messages, they mean a lot. Thank you to those of you who can't wait for another post, it really helps to know someone is listening. I will hopefully post pictures of our new addition soon!