Thursday, October 27, 2011
It seems as though it has been an eternity since I last wrote a blog post! Nevertheless the time has arrived. The last months have been a roller coaster ride, put simply. There has been chances for me to write a post but the need was just not in me. For a while I actually for the first time wanted to lock myself up and not talk to anyone. Luckily that lasted for a really short while.
As I am sure many of you are aware I am pregnant! Surprisingly great news! Bill and I thought long and hard after our third whether we wanted more and there was nothing telling us we did not want more but there were so many reasons not to have more. When you loose a child you start doubting many things in life. I fear something will happen to this new baby or me, sometimes, but everyday I tell myself just have faith. We decided we were not going to have anymore and that we were going to enjoy our two beautiful daughters. We used protection and since I was breastfeeding I had not gotten my period regularly yet. We believe this was just meant to happen and we cannot be any happier. Almost half way done with the pregnancy and everything looks great.
It will be a year and a half since Alesias passing in a couple of days. Do I miss her any less, NEVER! Do I wish she were here, EVERYDAY! Do I accept this as my life, I'm starting to. Is that because I have no choice or have I just made the conscious decision to, I really don't know. What I do know is that its scary sometimes how much her baby sister looks and acts like her. Sometimes I think its Maro and Alesia. This feels good at times and then it just brings me back so much that it hurts. Maro on the other hand is a remarkable little girl, she amazes me daily. She has so much love inside her. She gives her sister so much and her new baby that is coming, she kisses my tummy about ten times a day! She also talks about Alesia all the time! She says when we go on vacation as a family that Alesia will be coming in the sky flying to our destination to watch over us.
I know I have gone through a trauma and that I have post traumatic stress disorder because I replay the day she left us in my mind all the time. Being pregnant has also made me more emotional so everything is accentuated! Everything is like learning how to ride a bike, one step at a time, one day at a time. Now maybe we are not as filled with pain and the crying is not daily but still happens regularly. My children keep me busy enough that I am distracted. Things many of you think as simple like putting your children to sleep is so stressful for us. Every sound they make we jump out of bed to make sure they are OK. Life has no certainty, there are no guarantees for anybody, what we have is the moment and faith to believe we will have more and more moments. If I ever make a wish it is daily for only one that my babies die after me!
On a side note we have reserved next years Alesias Magnolias for June 3rd, 2012 at Embassy Plaza in Laval. We cannot be more anxious to continue the work we have begun. We are so proud of our accomplishment thus far and we hope that next year will just grow more and we will have more booths, more sponsors, more people, more MONEY, and more lives SAVED! Thank You again to all those helped, are helping, attended, will attend and of course SPONSORED. There is only so much we can do, without you this would be just a dream.
This is going to sound horrible but I have realized I want to be a millionaire. Not because I want to splurge, or have the big house, fancy car or even put my kids in IV league schools. I want to win the lotto so my husband can work less and enjoy as many moments we can together, because we don't know how many we have. I want to stay home and spend my time volunteering, my daughters school, the hospital, all kinds of charity events. I just want to help but life needs money so you can only do so much. I wish the hospital could call me and say, hey we need this... and I can just give them a check! I wish I could open a bereavement center for all the parents and family going through the loss of a child, unfortunately this is not a one time deal. For now all I can do is